5:30 am wake up calls.

I was awoken at 5:30 this morning by my darling Pippin standing on my chest, giving me the stink eye. He’s developed this habit as of late. I know he just wants to be fed but 5:30 am? It’s annoying. And he doesn’t do it to Finn, just me. I push him away, curse at him, close the bedroom door. Nothing works. He’ll just stand outside the bedroom door yelling. How do you fix this problem? I’ve tried putting some meat down for him later at night, and there is always dry kibble out - that doesn’t help. I’m tired. Urgh.

 

the sewing machine of death

My sewing machine tried to sew through my finger today. I was one nanosecond away from being attached to my newest bag. There is something messed up with the foot pedal. If you take your foot off suddenly it keeps going without any pressure. I have to ease off it otherwise I end up screeching at the top of my lungs. Not a good thing. But I am getting better at it (it helps that I figured out after two bags that I had it threaded wrong…) and I am buying up material like crazy. Which, when you don’t have a job, isn’t a very good idea but I have a knack for sewing and with a bit more practice I can start selling my creations. 

Mom and I went to Michael’s last night to try and buy supplies for making jewelry. Every year we say we are going to make gifts for people and every year we leave it to the 21st of December and end up buying things instead. So we figure if we start making stuff in August, we should be able to finish the four or five gifts we need. I was not aware, however, that beads and supplies are so freaking expensive. And the selection at that particular Michael’s was horrible. So we decided that since we both have about seven different crafts on the go, we’ll try and finish at least one of what we’ve started over the years. Mom is going to do embroidery and I am going to do bags. Every year I say I am going to make gifts for all my aunts and the first year I made bath salts in decorated jars but ever since I buy them stuff. This year they are all going to get awesome Amy Butler Birdie Slings, and maybe some framed photography. Cheap and cheerful.

So these are my latest creations. I had no interfacing to put in to the white bag, which I made a few days ago, so it doesn’t look as good as it could. I should have waited, but I have no patience. Every time I discover a new hobby I have to do it all the time. Today, for example, I spent six hours sitting in that chair cutting, marking and sewing. So I couldn’t wait for interfacing. But I got some last night and made the striped bag, which I adore beyond belief. The lining is a plain white. It’s very beachy. Luckily I have enough fabric to make another. the white bag’s fabric is beautiful, too. The band/lining fabric is embroidered with white flowers, very pretty. I also have some rose/check fabric to work with for tomorrow. I wish I could keep working tonight but Finn doesn’t enjoy the sound of the sewing machine at 11 o’clock at night…

 

lazy days

I have so much to do today, but I can’t seem to get motivated. I need to drop a resume off before the posting closes on Friday, that’s the most important thing. We also are in serious need of some groceries. Plus I have a group from 1-3, I need to go and pick up dry cleaning that’s been ready for about a week, do the dishes, laundry, vacuum … the list goes on and on. Yet it’s 10 am and I am still in my pj’s. I need to get a job, and quick. I am getting lazier by the minute.

 

 

 

i <3 long weekends

I really do enjoy long weekends. We went up to St. Jacobs, but the only thing I found that I really liked was a thing for the door to put letters through. I can’t remember what those are called. Finn was eyeing up a couple of pocket doors, so we might go back next weekend and get them. The people who run the store are great, they are good friends with my parents, so they put them on hold for him. They think it’s funny that we are buying things when we don’t even have a house to put them in. Soon, we will. Finn starts a new job in September which will enable him to save a lot more. And even though the jobs I normally have don’t pay much, my Grandma left me a chunk of money which I have put away in order to buy a house. So we’re hoping that by this time next year we will have enough so that we won’t have to have a huge mortgage. My friends keep saying Finn’s going to propose soon, maybe before Christmas. I think he will. I think we’re ready.

I find Mennonites fascinating. Their sense of community is amazing.

I have more pictures from the weekend, but I think I’ll save them for tomorrow. 

 

peace and quiet

Our upstairs neighbours have gone away for the long weekend - what a relief. It’s so much nicer here when we are alone. I guess that’s the biggest downside of living in a basement apartment - the noise. I thought it would be the lack of light, and that’s bad, but you can always go outside if you’re feeling caged. The noise, though, never seems to get better. It’s not like they are an overly noisy family but the floorboards squeak and when you’ve got a 19 and 20 year old living above you, they are going to be noisy. Their Dad doesn’t make a peep, but the kids can be brutal. Oh well.

We went to see Swing Vote with a few friends last night, it was nice to get out with people. I feel like a hermit this summer. Most of my friends spend their summers in cottage country so it’s nice when we can find a weekend that everyone is in town. Today Finn and I are off to St. Jacobs, an Amish community. There is this amazing store that sells reclaimed pieces from old houses that are being sold or from estate sales. So far we’ve found some great antiques. We decided awhile ago that when we can afford a house we’ll furnish it in antiques the way my parents do. Luckily my Dad lets us store the finds we can’t fit in to the apartment in his barn. My mom even offered to refinish a hutch for us. 

I managed to sew two bags from the Amy Butler pattern I bought a few weeks ago. I had to do it by hand because I left my sewing machine at my parent’s, and even though my stitches aren’t perfectly neat, they don’t look too bad. Once my camera charges I’ll have to document my accomplishments.

 

Regaining my sanity

Sometimes when I go back over entries I’ve made I wonder if I’m losing my mind. Yesterday I was in such an anxious state of just … craziness. I need to let go of all that. I guess because I had told myself what a good job the State Farm position would be, it made me incredibly unhappy to learn otherwise. I had convinced myself that this is what I wanted, because it was the only option I had. And not having any money always makes me crazy. I woke up at 5 o’clock this morning in an absolute state over the whole thing. Finn managed to calm me down by reminding me of what is important - my health. If I am not mentally ready to take on a position like this, then don’t. I needed to hear someone tell me that. My parent’s would never say it, they are always encouraging me to push myself. But Finn seems to recognize when I need to push myself and when I’ve hit a wall. I hit a wall this morning. So I wrote everything down in my journal, which helped me to reflect, and emailed them to say I wouldn’t be taking the position. And then I looked at the library website and lo and behold there is a job open. One that doesn’t require a degree, which is amazing. So I’ll drop of my resume and see what happens. I have to stop putting all my faith in work. I am not just a job. My self worth does not rest solely on the position I hold. 

Anxiety is a vicious beast. Some days I feel completely in control of it. Other days I have a hard time leaving the house. When I have a routine in place I do well. But since losing my job and Finn moving in, my life has been flipped upside down. And, really, both of these things are positive. I hated my job and I am head over heels in love with Finn. So it’s just a matter of getting my bearings again. I will be okay.

 

I need to get a grip.

I went to an interview with the owner of the insurance place this morning. I am easily intimidated, but this guy was brutal. So somehow I am now going to be temping for them, starting on Friday. And while I am there on Friday he will be interviewing other people. With me sitting 2 feet away. What is the point of training me to do the job if you’re not sure you’re going to hire me? I can’t believe it. If I didn’t need the money so desperately I wouldn’t be doing it. I mean, no learning is a waste of time and I would be learning something new by working there on a temp basis, but it just seems like I wasted so much time doing the interviews. In a way I guess it’s a good thing because it lets me try out the job without so much pressure. But how awkward would it be to be trying to do a job, knowing that behind the french doors of his office (which you can hear through) someone else is interviewing for that job? Weird.

I really wish with all my heart that I could have the job I want, without all the hassles. I’d really love to be doing something creative, something that lets me be myself. Every interview I go to, I have to lie about who I am. I am not good with people, I am not a good sales person, I hate customers, I don’t want to build a career in the _____ industry. I am shy and quiet and prefer my own company and to work alone. I want to work for myself doing something artistic and I don’t want to work in an office. I guess I contradict myself because when I worked at Money Mart, all I kept saying was how I wanted to work in an office. And now that I have the opportunity, I am bemoaning it and am being negative. 

I don’t know. What I want and what I need don’t match up. I want a fulfilling job, yet those don’t often pay much and I need money. I feel confused and anxious and frustrated. I have this intense fear of letting yet another five years slip by me while I try to figure myself out. Then I’ll be 30 and still confused and frustrated. I want everything right now. I want the knowledge that school could provide me and the paycheck that a good job could provide, but I don’t want to deal with the effort and time part. I just want to be successful right this instant.

 

a great weekend

I was finally able to get away to my parent’s place this weekend. I am such a country bumpkin and living in town wears on me. It’s nice to be able to go out to their place and listen to nothing but nature rather than traffic and people.

 

berries

Finn divulged to me this morning that the only way he likes berries is if they are coated in sugar. That’s the way his mother gave them to him when he was little, in order to try and get some fruit into him. He was all embarrassed, as he is 26 and thinks his palate should have matured by now. I think it’s hilarious. He is really healthy in every other way, so I told him that if he wanted to eat berries doused in sugar I would keep his secret. (well, except for the fact I’m posting it on the internet, lol) The little things you learn about a person when you live together are amazing.

I really love my new yellow tea pot. Even though yesterday I was kicking myself for spending money I should be saving, today I am not so remorseful. I got a call from the insurance place asking me to come in on Tuesday and meet with the boss for my final interview, so maybe I didn’t do as badly as I originally thought!

 

pms, how I loathe thee

So my second interview was tonight, but I am not sure how it went. I think it was good, but I am really second guessing everything about it. The office manager started off by introducing me to everyone and showing me around the office which I think was a good sign. And she gave me a good description of the job, and sort of showed me the database they use. I’m pretty sure those are all good signs. I had to do a behavioural test (which I LOATHE!) and at the end were some “applied” math questions. Right off the bat I knew I was in trouble because the first question was ratios. I am terrible at math. Seriously, I still have to count on my fingers or use a calculator for simple addition. I just don’t have a head for numbers. So there were 5 or 6 math problems that I had to guess at the answer. Who knows how that will hurt my chances. I’m sure I did alright on the behavioural test, although you never know with those stupid things. I used to fill them out with qualities and answers that I thought they wanted me to have but now I just answer them honestly and if they don’t like that I am quiet and not a sales person then whatever.

Anyway, I left the interview feeling iffy about it all. I went to Foodstuffs and bought a gorgeous yellow tea pot and a tea ball, and a really funny anniversary card for Finn. So that sort of made me feel better, but then I got home and fell apart. I spent money I am supposed to be saving and may have screwed up the interview with my poor math skills. Luckily Finn was home so I was able to have a good long cry on his shoulder. I know PMS is partly to blame here - I am always a drippy, emotional mess when I’ve got it, I spend all my time hating myself. So hopefully by next week if I miraculously get a final interview with the owner, my confidence will be restored. We’ll have to wait and see.